DARKNESS

A world of darkness and mystery surrounds me. 
It is at once both real and imagined, intensely exciting and constantly depressing.
It is my life. It is a life that I know intimately, a life that I live, a life that I dream about, and a life that could be.
My existence within such a life becomes a truth I can neither escape nor confront.
A truth that is impossible to hide from. Every day I put on my mask.
I smile, I laugh, I talk, I cry, I work, I play, I create, and I exist.
I always hope to love.
Every day that mask wears thin. Time drifts forward and the mask begins to crack.
A swirling vortex of thoughts and dreams yearns to flow freely but instead simply seeps away, unnoticed and oft-ignored.
They hunger to escape and yet I grasp at them in order to keep them hidden.
Loves essence ever-present, waiting for another, knowing that its presence alone may become salvation, an energy from which the darkness will recede.
Such thoughts and dreams of love and life slide through the cracks each and every day, as if grains from an hourglass.
Can one be both open and closed without crumbling to pieces?
It’s a new day.
Time to start again.
Perhaps today will be different.
But then again…

 

I CANT

Ask for help they say, those voices in the wind
Blank faces forgotten as quickly as they are seen
I can’t, those voices in the mind chant back
Swirling thoughts and emotions smothering any energy
I am not lazy or silly or unaware
Desperately wanting help
Knowing I should ask
But failing

 

UNDONE

Today has been a bad day.  A struggle.  A fight.
I cannot scream or shout, live or die, dream or sleep.
I simply press on in the fleeting hope of something better.
But is there hope?
When one wishes for a world full of despair, where life is reduced to one of basic needs and survival…
Does that make them a bad person? 
If so I am the darkest of the dark.

 

LOST

An Endless darkness within my head slowly smothering what I could be
The years becoming ever more difficult as time flits through my grasp
I struggle in an attempt to escape, even as I accept my fate
Those around me offer advice and support, and I know their love.
I push onward, believing myself not worthy and frightened by it all
But understanding that I must try for the sake of their sanity…
For my mind is already too far gone.

 

HEARTBEAT

I do not sleep.  I dream.
I do not dream.  I fight.
I do not fight.  I despair.
I do not despair.  I withdraw.
I do not withdraw. I pretend.
I do not pretend.  I hide.
I do not want to hide anymore.

 

IN THE END

I dream of it, write about it, ponder it, consider it, discuss it, read about it, explore it, plan for it.
But it is horrible.
Its asking for people to die, families to be torn apart, cultures to be lost, society to crumble.
Its asking for a harsh truth.  A cruel plan.
So why does it excite me so?
I am not a violent individual, and yet my deepest wish is created by a violent world.
It is the result of horror and despair, struggle and strife, death and destruction.
It creates a difficult world.
A world that asks much of me, should I live.
A world that is unknown and full of questions.
Yet I can’t remain where I am now, and this is a world I want to be a part of.
I yearn for the apocalypse.

 

PAWNS

I look at the world around me and see nothing but sadness.
I hate myself for the few enjoyments I get from it.
I participate in the sadness as yet another pawn moving within someone else’s system.
I want to leave the board, escape to the unknown….
But the world as it exists holds me down and tortures me into submission.
I scream and cry and die inside.
As one foot goes in front of the other I feel angry and lost, and want to shout and scream.
But no one will listen.
We are pawns, and we must follow the grand plans laid out before us.

 

LEFT BEHIND

I want to run, but have nowhere to go.
I want to escape, but dreams are not reality.
I want to live, but have no reason to.
I want to dream, but it leads to despair.
I want to change, but have no direction.
I am stuck in my own black hole.